So what's with all the doom and gloom...

Looking back over my first two entries here I'm begining to see a pattern emerging. The first was, more than anything else, about my lack of focus. The second was about my lack of direction. This rash of negativity makes me start to wonder whether my life is really that bad, or if maybe I'm just using this space to vent. Well, it's probably the latter. When I sit and try to start organizing the thoughts that are swirling around my head I find that the bad tends to remain long after the good have turned into pleasant memories. It's probably just the nature of these kind of feelings. Good things have a tendancy to resolve themselves quickly. They don't linger in the irksome way that so many negative feelings do, hovering at the fringes of consciousness, waiting to strike when the defenses are down. A simplification? Sure, but I'd rather not think about the alternatives they're far less plesant.

The point is that when I sit down to write in anything resembling an introspective manner it's always the doubts, the fears, and the insecurities which make their way to the front. It never seems to be about the simple pleasures and that bothers me a bit. I wouldn't like to think that if I were to look back at this in twenty years all I would have is a record of everything that kept me up at night. That would be a shame, because those are the things I would rather forget.

To be honest, it may just be too soon to take stock like this. This is my third post and I'm still really feeling my way around what it is I'm doing here. I should almost have expected that this project, borne out of a caffine-addled attempt to set my mind at ease, would come together with an emphaisis on the questions and fears. That can change, though, and probably will as will my frame of mind. Certainly there's been more dark than light around for a while now both here and in my life in general, but I think the dawn may finally be in sight. Things are beginning to pick up, I think, and that will inevitably work its way into my writing. The problem is that I have a tendancy to dwell on the questions. Open ended and poorly defined quandaries. They're the sort of things that can't help causing some emotional turmoil. How do I know if I'm going somewhere or not? There's no simple answer, maybe no answer at all. No real assurance to be found.

I guess the only point I'm really trying to make is that when the end comes and the final tally is made, I'd like to think there will be more good than bad, more happy moments than sad, and more joy than sadness. Sometimes, like now, I think there will. Other times I'm not so sure, but either way it's probably better for me if I don't use these entries as an emotional barometer. The results would likely be skewed.